Yo yo YO! What is up, one and all. This month I’m gonna do my first interview in over a year. Now, I personally don’t like interviewing people- most celebrities are fairly cool about it, but I can understand a guy not being thrilled about answering the same stupid ass questions he’s been asked about 392,000 times before. And then you have your total ass-openings, the type who believe their own publicity hype and think they’re too fly to do the interview thing.

        So that’s why I prefer to interview regular people. Yeah, I know some of you would rather read about what brand of draws Keith Murray wears or what Ghost Face Killah’s all-time favorite color of Wallabees is. That’s cool and all but fuck that. I’m gonna give you some useful shit. This time I got my main doo doo stain, 5 Finger Felipe The Kleptomaniacal Bike Messenger, to give us the lowdown on how he amassed his collection of 793 albums (plus 27 45’s) on a lowly, below-minimum wage salary. That’s right, you rocket scientist- he stole them. Sweat the technique:

SM: Yo Felipe, you no good record thieving bastard! How you livin’, ha?
5FF: I’m livin’ foul, like that crusty ass tape you made back in ‘92, snot face. What’s up?

SM: Yo, I wanted to interview you for my column and shit.
5FF: Oh, that World Of Beats shit?

SM: Nah, I stopped doin’ that a year ago. Where you been at, ass breath?
5FF: Up in ya moms. Oh, my bad, I forgot your moms died, man. You know I’m just playin’. But word, you quit that World Of Beats shit? That’s fucked up, I likeded that shit.

SM: Fuck you. You never even bought it, you human fart essence!
5FF: Naw, naw, you know me, baby. But I used to rip your page out of the Rappages every month, B! No doubt.

SM: That was RapSHEET.
5FF: RapSheet, Rappage, who gives a fuck? But your shit was cool, man! It was my fuckin’ guide lines on what records to steal every month.

SM: Yo, I want you to give up some record boosting tips for my new column, ock.
5FF: Okay, I can give up a few little secrets. But you know I can’t give up the crazy shit just yet, I still got some shit that the record jakes don’t know about yet.

SM: A-ight, spill the beans like Joe Tex.
5FF: Well, you know the basics, right... always try to switch those sleeves if you can. Take a $50 JBs record and switch it with a $7 Barkays album, or someting like that. That ain’t really stealin’, that’s just some ol’ switcheroo shit that’ll save you some cheddar. The secret is to know the store, though. If the clerk knows his shit, he’ll catch the switch when he rings you up. Do that shit when the store owner is out to lunch and his sixteen year old helper is on the register. He won’t know shit, and he won’t give a fuck either.

SM: Yeah, I used to do that if the store owner was a total asshole, chargin’ waaaaay too much for a record.
5FF: Yeah, but that’s because you’re too fuckin’ nice! I’d steal records from my grandmother if she had some fat shit!

SM: What’s some other tips?
5FF: When you’re at a convention, always walk in with a small stack. Either go with a crew, or mingle in at a table that’s mad crowded. Pick up records and mix em in with yours when the guy ain’t lookin’. They won’t question you, and if they do just tell them you already had the records. Oh yeah, make sure it’s a table where the dealer doesn’t put price tags on the records, cuz if they check then you’re busted. But it shouldn’t even get that far. A muthafucka challenges you, you tell him, "look, man, this is MY shit, and you ain’t checkin’ nothin!" Then just walk the fuck away! I got a copy of the Giant album like that.

SM: Ooh, that’s my beat.
5FF: You got that, right?

SM: You know it.
5FF: What did you pay for it?

SM: I got one for $40, one for $8.
5FF: See, that’s too much, son. Next time tell me what you need and I’ll get it for you. I also do the old tin foil trick on electronic sensors when I go to Tower’s for my new CD’s and shit, so I can hook you with those, too.

SM: I don’t need the new shit no more. I’m writing again, so labels send me stuff... sometimes.
5FF: In the wintertime I wear the crazy oversized bubble Bear shit, and I put the hooks inside, just like in "The Mack", remember that shit?

SM: Oh, right on.
5FF: I went to this shop near Albany, I think, and there was MAAAD beats up in that piece. Yo, word is bond, I walked outta there with crazy shit like The BlueJays, Port Authority, Gypsy, uhhh.... Mt. Rushmore... all this rock shit, plus original Meters shit, Popcorn Wylie...

SM: Yo, I need that shit, son! What’s up?
5FF: Well, you can’t have my shit but I’ll look out on the next one. Another thing, all you collectors out there- if you care about your collection, do NOT invite a nigga like me over your house! I’ll stab you and make it look like your wife did it, son! I’ll kill a nigga if his records are nice enough! Naw, I’m just playin’ about that, but make sure you know a muhfucka well before you let him into your crib, ‘cuz niggas can be mad shysty, you know? I’ve seen cats go in your spot and case the shit, then come back with trucks when you ain’t at home! I’m sayin’, some ol’ Brook Benton "Moving Day" shit! I seen niggas make impressions of keys in clay, get keys made from THAT, and then come back and rob the place while ol’ boy was out at the disco.

SM: You never did no trife life shit like that, though, right?
5FF: Son, I did ALL of that shit. You know my stee: "trife life, got me thinkin’ like an animal"... shit, man, I only make $63.92 a week! I gotta do somethin’ to level the playing field, you know?

SM: Stealin’ from your peops is below trife though, man. I can’t fuck with that at all. A record ain’t worth it.
5FF: See, it’s like I said before- you’re too fuckin’ nice, Soulman. Abdullah’s right, you are "Honest Phill"! Fuck it, if I take a record from you, so what? If I’m your boy and I really want a record, you should give it to me ‘cuz I’d do the same for you! If not, then I feel justified to take that shit while you go in the kitchen for some Kool-Aid. That’s another trick, by the way- ask for someting to drink. While you’re left alone in ya man’s room, take all the free samples you can hide in your bag.

SM: Well, that’s my thing, if I don’t know a cat that’s over my spot. I try to have a friend with me to help watch shit. And you can’t bring a bag in with you. Some people get offended, but that’s the rule. I’d rather that than have to shoot somebody for trying to take my shit.
5FF: Eh, that’s some bitch shit. How typical of you.
SM: Fuck you, you dried up cum stain.
5FF: Nobody ever took shit outta your room?

SM: No, not that I know of.
5FF: See, you sleepin’! ‘Cuz I took a Treacherous Three twelve inch from you last summer!

SM: What?
5FF: "Feel The Heartbeat". See, you didn’t even know.

SM: Yo man, stop playin’.
5FF: Psyche! But I had you thinkin’ for a minute there, didn’t I?

SM: I wouldn’t put nuthin’ past your dishonest ass. You talking vaginal secretion you.
5FF: That’s why you love me and want to have my children, with your gay pride parade marchin’ bitch ass!

DISCLAIMER:
        The views expressed by 5 Finger Felipe in no way reflect the views of this website. We do not condone the stealing of records, or any other personal property, for any reason. We are clean living, hard working, tax paying Americans. We are damn near angelic.
        Thank you.